Pardon My French

I have found my people

and by people, I mean Chevy Chase. Let me explain.

I know that I should be over the moon since we tried so hard to have a baby, but 9 months is a loooooong time to have someone else running your body. Today I didn't feel like dealing with the crowds at Carrefour, but I find myself having the urge to go there and plop my belly on the fruit scale just so I can say "See? See? I TOLD you it was heavy! DAMN IT!" And not even to just my husband, but to any poor stranger within earshot. I'm either a) obviously insane b) really suffering from those hormones c) a little too sleep-deprived to go out in public or d) quite likely all of the freaking above. I will not tell you about all the fears about my baby that run constantly through my mind because they're just not fun to read about. But they're there. So I'll just focus on my pissiness about how I physically feel because it truly is so much more entertaining.

And speaking of sleep deprivation, I'd like to know whose idea it was to keep me from sleeping BEFORE the baby gets here. Shouldn't I be storing up sleep like a camel in the big-ass hump I'm hauling around on the front of my body? I'm sure camels (dromedaries, whatever) aren't obsessed by their hump(s) the way I am, but still. When I wake up at 5, I've had a great night's sleep. 4 a.m. is decent, but 1 a.m. (like last night) is just not cool.

So, yesterday I really needed a pick-me-up. Blogging helps, talking to friends helps, but sometimes after a night of not-sleeping I honestly don't have the energy to do much besides lay on the couch and stare in the direction of the TV until I doze off. I wanted something light and funny that might make me laugh, but nothing was on TV and my home movie collection only suggested "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" or "Wayne's World." Hmmmm. Let's see. Christmas was 3 months ago, but watching Wayne's World would involve the VCR which is practically on the floor and I just don't do bottom shelves at the moment. Happy Holidays.

It worked...I managed to doze through most of the movie until THE cathartic event of my entire pregnancy happened towards the end. I had completely forgotten, but what's-his-face Griswold goes off on this rant against his boss that just perfectly depicts what a true (normally internalized) pregnancy rant looks like. I woke up, laughed until I cried, and watched it again. And again. Now, I do have ranting fits -- just ask my husband; I'm sure he'll tell you what fun memories they are -- but a lot of the frustration does get suppressed and they're short and I'm sorry right afterwards. Remember at the Secu I managed to choke down my anger enough to give her the super-sweet 'au revoir' and stomp back to the apartment, so it was really entertaining to see Chevy Chase go through the stages of insanity I sometimes feel at times.

If all goes well, you can watch the video right within this post. If you change only a few words, it does make the perfect pregnancy rant from his squished up face as he's warming up, to the bug-eyed look as he's hitting the peak and the perfect physical expression of the [...] in "Hallelujah [...] HOLY SHIT!" Instead of "Where's the tylenol?" substitute "Where's the Gaviscon?*" and you will see exactly what (what should be) the last week of pregnancy feels like. Add my godawful pregnancy hair and a maternity smock and you've got me, in my head, dealing with French bureaucracy.

*Gaviscon is the heartburn medicine known as the pregnant woman's firefighter.